According to a recent study, most moms identify that maintaining quality friendships was crucial to navigating the myriad of challenges of motherhood. It’s not just you!
But finding those friends proves to be one of the most difficult parts of young motherhood. When challenged with sleepless nights, needy children, balancing work, and meeting a spouse’s needs, they find it difficult to also maintain old friendships or pursue new friendships in their new season. I know I still struggle with this!
Unfortunately, many moms neglect a fundamental part of a healthy lifestyle when they neglect their friendships. Seeing and being seen by friends feeds a fundamental piece of your soul – the need to belong and to be accepted for who you are. You deserve to belong and to be seen, sweet friend.
In this article, you’ll find examples of what authentic relationships look like, tips to build relationships, and tips to maintain old friendships.
By the end, you’ll walk away with a few actionable steps you can take today to be seen and heard.
How to maintain friendships after baby
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The walls in the way of friendships
As a military brat growing up, I found myself meeting new people continuously. I learned early that if I wanted to make friends with others I had to do so quickly. I learned how to be nice, fit in and be open to lots of different types of people because I wanted to be accepted.
What I didn’t learn; however, was how to develop authentic and deeper relationships.
Over the past few years, I’ve had to tear down walls that I previously built-up to protect myself from being hurt from having to “leave friends.”
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Because we moved so often, I didn’t want to get too close. I didn’t want to build authentic, deep, lifelong friendships because I didn’t want to have to say goodbye. I didn’t want to build something and then lose it.
So, I protected myself. I learned how to make surface-level friendships but as soon as someone got too close, I subconsciously pushed them away so it wouldn’t hurt as much when I had to leave.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure they would even like the real me – so there was that too.
The issue of social media
One of the beautiful things I love about social media is I get to see countless pictures of all my friends’ wrinkly newborn babies, the updates on all the milestones, and the celebrations of friends entering a new season.
I’m in the stage where many friends are expecting their first or are in the first year of parenthood. I LOVE that I can feel connected to their lives through social media.
But the issue is, this “connection” is a false one that is surface level. It is for the most part, a one-way conversation, with someone posting the highlights of their lives and the other people “liking” or “loving” the post. Many people are silent observers, never commenting or adding to the discussion.
Yet, they spend an endless amount of time on social media instead of investing in friendships around them, or actually meeting up with friends to do something.
Social media can be a beautiful thing, but I think it gets in the way of authentic relationships.
Related Article: Why you need a digital detox + 47 ways to reduce technology use in your home
Our first taste of authentic community
Fast forward to my mid-20s and we joined an amazing Jesus-loving church in Fort Collins, CO – Mill City Church. The community we found there encouraged my husband and I to start removing our layers.
People actually started seeing our authentic selves and our relationships became so much more than I could have ever imagined.
I found myself sharing parts of myself with friends from this church that I never had the courage to share before.
I felt like I was seen and heard for the first time in many, many years.
Fast forward a few more years, and we left the beautiful church community we had known for 5 years to live closer to family in Texas. We are oh so grateful to be living close to family. But I do miss our community in Fort Collins.
Learning to find new community in motherhood
We were spoiled, I’ll be honest! We felt what it was like to be part of an amazing community. We know what it’s like to have a tribe to support us. People that love us like family. Friends that bring over food after a baby. And other parents in the same stage who can empathize with us during the tough times and celebrate with us during the good times of parenthood.
But now, I find myself starting over in this new place.
While I think it takes a lot to cultivate the kind of community we found in Colorado, I think there are things each of us can do as moms, parents, or adults in general to cultivate authentic friendships. To be seen and heard and accepted.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘We shouldn’t only hope friends will walk into our lives, we should seek them out and do our part.’ from The Friendship Crisis: maintaining friendships after a baby. #momlife #authenticrelationships #buildcommunity” quote=”We shouldn’t only hope friends will walk into our lives, we should seek them out and do our part.” theme=”style2″]
Whether we are new moms, single women in our 30s, newly weds, or parents in the throws of school-aged busyness, I think we could all do a little better to encourage and find a community that sees us.
We need to be seen and heard and to belong. For our sanity and to thrive. If that doesn’t motivate you enough, mama, then think of your kids. Modeling healthy relationships will also make us happier, healthier parents better able to cope with the highs and lows of parenthood.
If you maintain friendships, you’ll better be able to support your kids because you are in turn supported. You will better be able to parent your kids because you have perspective. You will be able to worry less because you will realize you’re not the only one!
Here’s to new authentic friendships in motherhood.
Tips to maintain friendships with a new baby
1. Quality over Quantity
If you really want to find lasting relationships, it’s more about quality rather than quantity. How do you know if you’re investing in a quality friendship? If you find yourself walking away from coffee with a friend feeling tired rather than refreshed, maybe you should ask yourself if that friend does the following:
- Shows genuine interest in what’s going on in your life
- You feel comfortable being yourself
- Listens without judging
- They are willing to be vulnerable with you about themselves
2. Time doesn’t matter, it’s how you feel
A sign of a great friendship is that it doesn’t matter how much time you spend with the person, but how you feel when you’re around them. Ask yourself these questions. If you can’t answer all three with a resounding yes, then you should pursue deeper friendships with someone else.
- Do I feel better after hanging out with this person?
- Is this someone I feel I can trust?
- Does this person respect me and my opinion?
3. Communicate with your friends
When you’re a young mom, whether you are working or not, life is busy. True friends won’t get bent out of shape if you can’t hang out all the time. They’ll understand if they really are your friends if you JUST can’t hang.
But if you want to maintain friendships with a new baby, then you should work to communicate with your friends to manage expectations.
Let them know how long you think you’ll be out of touch. Or to not be offended if you don’t text back right away.
Be clear with expectations on when you’ll be able to join the next girls’ night or when you’ll be able to get together for lunch next. It’s often the silence that drives the most friends away from my experience.
Article you may like: How to be a foodie ever after baby arrives
4. Don’t say I’m too busy
If a friend asks you to do something, don’t give the typical “I’m too busy.”
Share what’s going on with your life so it doesn’t seem like you’re blowing them off.
Saying you’re too busy has become too much of an excuse. It’s also something you tell everyone.
I have a feeling, if you desire to maintain a friendship with someone at this point, you want to make them feel special as much as you want to feel that way. Share a little bit about what’s going on in your life rather than just the typical “escape” response. I’m always surprised at how supportive others are when I do this.
5. Reprioritize your time
Do you find that you are having trouble maintaining relationships that you REALLY care up?
This is a case of needing to write down your priorities. If you know what’s MOST important, start saying no to things that aren’t.
This will help you build space into your schedule to actually maintain the important relationships. Also, you could read Time Management Tips for The Chronically Late for tips on managing your schedule and time.
Stop going to that birthday party of your husband’s coworker who you barely know. While yes, it is kind they invited you to the party, if you don’t desire to build a real relationship with them, then it behooves you to actually focus where you want authentic relationships
If you want to move past the surface level friendships, then you need to start focusing on who is important in your life.
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6. Get in a routine
One of the ways to focus on who is important in your life is to actually set aside time on the calendar for a regular get together. Whether you enjoy coffee and brunch, new restaurants at lunch, or your friends live far away and you can only chat via phone, put it on the calendar.
Let’s be honest, if it’s not on your calendar, it’s not happening. So set-up a weekly, monthly, or quarterly get together depending on what you need for proper self-care and make time for those awesome ladies in your life!
7. Acknowledge your friends
Okay, the above tip is great, but you’re telling me that you seriously have no time for that in this season. I understand, we all have SEASONS like this.
So, I want to give you a few tips to help if you are truly in a season where you don’t have time to hang out or reach out. (But all I’m saying is, it better be a season and not just LIFE. Because if it’s life, then an overhaul really needs to happen, girl.)
Anyway, here are a few ways to acknowledge your friends so that they feel heard, even when you can’t invest in the relationship currently.
- If people are consistently reaching out, acknowledge their efforts so they feel that it’s worth their time.
- Thank them for reaching out and that you appreciate it and let them know when you’ll be able to re-engage.
8. Remember the small details.
If you do talk to someone, even if it’s briefly and they mention a small detail about their life, then follow-up with them later that week to let them know you’re thinking about them and whatever it is they mentioned to you.
This shows you were listening during the conversation and is such a powerful way to show someone that you care.
For example, if they mentioned a doctor’s appointment later this week, check in to make sure all is well. If they mentioned parents visiting soon, ask how the visit went. These small details can make huge investments when you maybe don’t have time in this season.
9. Initiate the relationship
Whether you moved to a new place or are just looking to make new mom friends, take the initiative to make new relationships.
I was both a military brat and in the military myself. Because of this, I had to get good at making new friends, meeting our neighbors, and jumping into groups at church.
Some tips to initiate relationships are:
- Take banana bread to your neighbors
- Ask a neighbor for a friendly hand, people like to feel needed, so it’s a great way to start a relationship
- Ask a question to another person in your yoga class, then introduce yourself
- Start a mom play group at your church
- Look for a MOPS group in your local area
Overall, the best tip I can give you is to embrace the uncomfortableness.
Good friendships can’t happen if you never give a little bit of yourself. Even if you’re an introvert, I promise you it’s worth it to try some of these initiating tips to meet new people and find the people you want to build close relationships with.
Sometimes it has to start with you! The other person will probably be just as grateful to have someone to talk to as you are!
10. Don’t wait around for them to invite you. They may not know what to expect or may not want to invade your new lifestyle.
If you’re feeling like you’re on an island by yourself after a baby and that no one has invited you anywhere in ages, don’t wait around.
Instead, invite some friends over if you’re feeling up to multiple people or ask your bestie if they want to do something for a one-on-one coffee.
Your friends just may not know what to expect or may not want to invade your new lifestyle. This is especially important if you are one of the few couples in your friend’s group that has kids!
Note: It is a side effect of writing articles, that it can appear I have “all the answers” or that everything is wrapped neatly into a package when the reality is so much different. I certainly don’t have any of this figured out, but these are all tips that I try to follow myself and thought others could benefit from!
I would really LOVE for you to leave a comment below with any other tips to maintain friendships you may have or if you found any of these helpful. Thanks!
