It’s been on my heart recently to write more encouraging words to moms. That’s what I started Simplified Motherhood after all.
Yeah, the newborn tips are great. Knowing how to carry all your baby stuff through the airport or the best ways to keep your newborn cool in the summer support moms undoubtedly.
But what I really care about. What I really want to say to moms is much, much more than that.
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Introducing The Motherhood Project
Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash
I’m challenged because the topics I want to cover are a lot messier.
You can’t boil them down into “10 tricks of this” or “5 steps of that” to a successful life in motherhood.
But rather, the topics I want to cover address the hearts of moms. And the heart is complicated yet it is at the center of motherhood.
It is a center that is protected fiercely. It is vulnerable. And that vulnerability is what causes us to act and do what we do.
We do things to protect our hearts and our minds and our feelings and our kids. We’re doing everything in our power to survive. But that pure survival focus causes us inadvertently to push others away when we really need is a community.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘Vulnerability causes us to hide ourselves when we need to put ourselves out there.'” quote=”Vulnerability causes us to hide ourselves when we need to put ourselves out there.” theme=”style2″]
It causes us to work harder to put on a show of everything’s fine when really all we want is to be known and engaged in authentic relationships. We want to be comfortable in our own skin and thoughts. We want to know we’re not alone.
And how do I know this? Because just writing this posts makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me want to hide.
But I learned long ago that when I have the greatest urge to hide and be silent, it is the time when I really need to speak up the most.
My hopes for this project
I’m hoping in this project, to unpack ideas like mom guilt, what it means to be in community, loving our kids and ourselves, fears that plague us all, and untruths we might be living by.
Where does it all come from? What IS this motherhood thing?
And what are some of the untruths we believe as moms that cause things like mom guilt?
An Ongoing Project
I say project rather than post for a reason. In the blogging world, you normally write posts and they are listed on your blog page. As you publish new ones it pushes older posts down the page.
They could be related or they might not be.
On the other hand, according to Merriam-Webster, “project” is defined as “an individual or collaborative enterprise that is carefully planned and designed to achieve a particular aim.”
I’ve carefully planned and designed these pieces to help you unravel and remove the layers that are controlling your motherhood without you even knowing. I want to break it down to become less complicated.
Who this is for
I’m not going to pretend like I have it all together. But I do want to explore it with you. I do want to share what little insight I’ve gained in my 5 years of motherhood with new moms, old moms, any moms.
I want to share in the journey with all moms but specifically, these posts are for moms:
- Who struggle with their identity.
- Who aren’t sure they will be a ‘good’ mom.
- Who feel pressured to keep up with the Jones’.
- Who find themselves overwhelmed.
- Who are insecure about their motherhood.
- Who want a community of moms.
- Who want encouragement for the day-to-day.
- Who want to be more present.
- Who want to know they aren’t alone on this crazy journey.
- Who want confidence in their ability to parent.
I know I have struggled with all of the above at some point or another! And I’m sure you have too.
“What is Undistinguished Runs you” and the book The Power of Habit
Being a leader aka mom
I’m going to go into a little rabbit hole for a second to explain the background for why I think identifying and defining motherhood for ourselves is important. Perhaps it’s not a rabbit hole at all but a foundation to provide the framework through which to build these projects on motherhood.
The first is the idea that “What is Undistinguished Runs You.” I first heard about this idea from a course called “Being a Leader and the Effective Exercise of Leadership: An Ontological/Phenomenological Model.” I know, I know, those are huge words… you should look up the course here if you’re interested.
But in the course, they emphasize that “That which is undistinguished is out of your control (functions without your permission) and as a result when it is triggered it constrains and shapes your way of being and acting (BAL 1040).” In other words, all of us have triggers that cause us to do certain things and act in certain ways. And, our brain in its awesomeness does it unconsciously. We don’t realize it’s happening yet it triggers who we are and how we act.
So the key to finding a little more freedom and joy and confidence in parenting, is to identify the triggers.
Identifying the triggers
If I identify that there IS a trigger causing me to do a certain thing or act a certain a way, I can either avoid the trigger or create a new habit and way of being in response to the trigger. I no longer let my brain run on autopilot but rather consciously choose to be and act a certain way.
For example, I used to get so aggravated and frustrated in the mornings when trying to get out the door for work with my Little One (when he was about 14 months old). It seemed like no matter what I did in the mornings, I couldn’t move fast enough and I was constantly snapping at my son who just wanted me to sit with him at breakfast. I always started the day in a bad mood.
But one day I realized something, I thought I was frustrated because I was blaming my son for being whiny and needy in the morning. When in reality, it was the fact that I felt like “I was running late” that was what was causing me to be frustrated and hurried in the mornings. I actually figured out the TRIGGER.
So once I knew the trigger what did I do to fix it?
I addressed the actual problem of “feeling late.” I changed my evening and morning habits so that I had less to do in the morning. I then had more time to spend with my son and to actually “sit” at the breakfast table with him in the morning.
And do you know what? I stopped seeing him as so whiny and needy, and we actually had a peaceful morning.
Identifying WHY I was getting frustrated was key.
What the Power of Habit has to do with Motherhood
I found a similar line of thought while reading the book The Power of Habit (Amazon affiliate link).
In this book, the author, Charles Duhigg, talks about the basal ganglia in our brain that controls many of our habits, even some of the most complex ones. In summary, he discusses that our brain does it’s best to work efficiently. It creates habits so that the conscious brain doesn’t have to think about something, you can just DO it.
He gives the example of driving a car. When you first learned to drive, you had to think about every single movement. But now, I bet you back out of your driveway, while talking to your kids and drinking your coffee and you somehow manage not to run into your mailbox or fall off your driveway while you do it. Your basal ganglia is controlling those movements.
He mentions that there are three parts to a habit. The cue, the habit, and the reward. And when all three of those are in place, a habit can be formed and ingrained in the basal ganglia.
Or in other words, once something is triggered, your brain automatically sends you into some way of being (feelings, thoughts, actions) without your consciously sending yourself that way. Obviously, the book goes into way more, but I’m going to stop there.
Back to the uncovering the untruths of motherhood
So, what does this have to do with motherhood and uncovering the truths of motherhood? There are certain habits that you’ve formed from your past, societal input, what you learned from your parents, things you’ve read that cause you anxiety, fear, guilt, stress, etc.
My goal is to unpack and identify some of these habits, cues and triggers so that you can get out of the cycle of anxiety, fear, guilt, stress, anger etc and you can feel CONFIDENT in motherhood.
I’m here to convince you that it is POSSIBLE to have more than the touted overwhelmed motherhood life. You have nothing to fear as a new mom. Young parenting doesn’t have to suck. You don’t have to be in a constant state of tired.
I’m on a mission to help moms find more joy, peace, patience, positivity and be more present.
I’m on a journey, and I’m inviting you to walk along with me on this mission. Will you subscribe below to join?