December 13, 2018June 4, 2025
by Jessica Whitney

When you and your husband disagree on parenting, overcoming mom burnout becomes much more difficult.

When I and my mom friends are in-tune with our husbands when it comes to parenting tactics and decisions, we are significantly happier, more patient, and more confident in our decision making as moms!

Our ability to consistently reinforce boundaries, creatively raise our kids and create a warm, comfortable home increases significantly with a spouse fully on board.

But what do you do when you and your husband disagree on parenting?

Here are tips to get on the same page as your husband about parenting.

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6 Things to Do When You And Your Husband Disagree on Parenting

Photo by Ferenc Horvath on Unsplash

For ALL these tips I suggest writing your answers down if either of you are emotional about the topic.

Writing for the first one is a must, but if at any time a topic is emotionally charged or difficult to discuss, I encourage you to write out the entire response and allow your spouse to read it.

Writing allows all the words to get out without being interrupted and allows for complete thoughts to be considered.

Writing is a powerful tool that might just make a difference in your marriage and motherhood.

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor and this advice does not constitute professional advice. Please don’t expect that this will solve all your parenting or marital disagreements. On the contrary, use it as a starting point to move in a direction together as a team!

1. Write a letter about your childhood

You’ve heard the phrase, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” We as adults either want to parent like our parents did or we attempt to do “the opposite” of what our parents did due to a negative experience.

How we were raised is the only reference point most of us have when it comes to a guide for parenthood but sometimes we don’t realize how our perceptions of our own parents influence our actions as we become parents ourselves.

The first step you both should take is to write a letter to your spouse including three things:

Describe how each of your parents disciplined, loved, showed-up, participated, etc.
Write down how you perceived each of your parents’ actions as a child (i.e. agreed, loved, respected, disliked, liked, felt freedom, good, bad, indifferent, overall assessment etc.)
Include specific stories whenever possible.

After the letters are written, exchange letters and allow your spouse to read the letter all the way through.

After you’ve both read, I encourage you to ask questions to clarify and understand how your spouse perceives their parents.

Understanding how your spouse grew up gives insight into how and why they consciously or unconsciously parent today.

As The Motherhood Project mentioned – “What is undistinguished runs us.” Therefore, explain your thoughts and you’ll have more control over your actions.

You might also like to read: 14 Dos and Dont’s to Support Your Spouse

2. Discuss Your Family Mission Statement

If you could succinctly put your family mission statement into one sentence what would it be?

Here’s an example family mission statement:

“Our family mission is to love God, love one another, and love and respect our neighbors.”

Once you’ve crafted the mission statement, the rest of these steps will be a little bit easier! All of your actions and decisions as parents should point back and support your mission statement.

Read: 14 Ways to Bring Mom Life to the Next Level

3. Identify the Lead Parent

From my observations, I’ve noticed one parent takes a primary lead in the “parenting” of the children for most families. You might call this person the “lead parent.”

The “lead parent” tends to know all the bedtime routines, knows how to talk to the kids to avoid meltdowns, and can identify when the kids are tired, hungry, or just being ornery.

Despite the fact that one parent leads, doesn’t mean the other person should completely check-out.

On the contrary, if you aren’t lead parent, you should do everything in your power to support the lead parent.

Kids are smart and as soon as they realize mom and dad aren’t on the same page and aren’t consistent with enforcing rules, they will begin using that to their advantage.

This article from Empowering Parents even says, “Sometimes kids use the fact that you’re not on the same page to manipulate you.”

Stay engaged even if you aren’t lead parent, to show your kids you two are a united front, which leads me to the next point.

4. Always back-up the other parent

Speaking of, when inevitably your kids try to play mommy vs. daddy, always back-up your spouse in front of your kids. Showing your kids you guys are a united front and that you make decisions together is essential to parenting on the same page.

But what if you really didn’t agree with their decision?

The answer? Take a time-out and discuss the situation behind closed doors.

Tell your kids you make decisions together, then go to your room to discuss the issue or bring it up in the evening before bed. Make it clear that you two are a team and that you’ll work out any differences.

When you talk privately… you might be surprised at what you find!

You might not have realized all the circumstances surrounding a situation, and you will end up agreeing with your spouse on the decision they made. Or, sometimes you might explain to your spouse how you would have chosen a different punishment for XYZ reason.

Either way, discuss behind closed doors if you don’t agree. But always back-up the other parent in front of the kiddos!

5. Be clear on expectations

I think a lot of arguments and disconnections stem from plain ole “unexpressed expectations.”

Notice how I said “unexpressed” and not “unmet.” Obviously, expectations aren’t being met because you guys aren’t on the same page about SOMETHING. But the key is identifying what you expect from the other person and TELL them.

They might not even know you expect something from them.

5 Rules to Be a Successful Mom

Here are some examples of things you can say to the other person.

Remember, to use “I statements” and remind them that it’s your impression based on X or Y actions you’ve seen.

I expect you to watch the kids for an hour after you get home from work so I can run errands by myself.
I expect you to be on time for dinner.
I expect you to take your son to soccer practice once a week.

Once expressed, listen to the other person to see why they can or can’t meet that expectation – then negotiate.

If your spouse says it’s just not possible to meet that expectation, then ask them what they CAN do.

Here’s an example from our family that’s not necessarily about parenting, but is related to being a spouse.

I used to teach class until 5:30 on Monday nights. Every Monday I would get home around 6, but sometimes a little bit later. For some reason, my husband was always annoyed that I was getting home “so late.” I would, in turn, get mad because I felt like I did my best to get home “as fast as I could.” We lived less than 15 minutes away.

When we actually talked about it though, we cleared up a few things that weren’t previously known:

My husband expected me home by 5:45. As soon as he said this, I realized the disconnect.
He didn’t know that I often had to debrief my co-instructor and meet with students one-on-one after class occasionally, which caused me to be delayed leaving by a few minutes.
After I explained this to me, I told him I couldn’t make it home by 5:45 but instead could make it home by 6 for sure.

He expressed his expectation that I was unknowingly not meeting. I replied that I would never meet that expectation. We agreed upon a final solution.

You can do this when it comes to parenting too!

Do you have any situations you’d like coaching on? Leave below.

6. Read Parenting Books

Each year, I always have a goal to read at least one parenting book. Here are some good ones to get you started as a parent.

I’ve read most of these books and have learned a ton from each one.

Even if you don’t agree with everything in the book, if you expand your knowledge and gain a different perspective you’ll become a better parent.

Click the link to read descriptions and reviews on Amazon to find that one that fits your parenting style!

If that list seems daunting… I recommend starting with the first one or the second one. I learned a lot of techniques for dealing with power struggles, temper tantrums, and other actual tips to make parenting just a little bit easier in the first two books.

I think they will give you new tools for your parenting arsenal to help you and your spouse get on the same page when you don’t agree on parenting!

I know this can be a tough subject, but I hope I gave you some actionable tips you might be able to implement to get on the same page as your spouse. Become that parenting dream team you always wanted!

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P. S. Remember – if you have any questions or situations you want coaching on, leave it below!

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