Listening is often discounted as a powerful problem-solving tool. Honestly, most of us need to learn to do it better. And I include myself when I say that!
I remember a time sitting at a coffee shop with a friend. I wanted to share some frustration from work, to vent, to be seen, to be heard. Said friend is a good listener in my opinion. Yet, I walked away unsatisfied from the conversation.
She showed interest in what I had to say, but I didn’t feel complete afterward. I was left with that same weary feeling of “still being stuck with this frustrating situation.” Now, I don’t blame her, but it put me on a mission to learn how to hold a safe space for others to be truly authentic in a conversation. To learn how to put aside my own fears and boundaries in order to be an effective listener.
As a mom, we not only need to support our friends through listening, but we will be required to carefully listen to our children, spouses, and parents as life’s challenges and struggles inevitably find us.
We need to do whatever we can to become the best listeners we possibly can.
The power of listening for understanding – and why moms need to do better
Fast forward a few years, a couple babies, several leadership courses and podcasts, and a transition into the world of ‘parenting young children that need me for everything’, I find myself in the messy 30s.
I find myself and close friends and family struggling with real-life hard decisions, choices, and situations. Situations that call for powerful listening.
Thankfully, slowly, painstakingly, I’ve learned a lot about listening.
One of the places was from one of my favorite podcasts on leadership.
I learned about listening for understanding. Listening for fundamental cares. Listening for what’s possible. And listening for the next path to what’s possible.
Related Post: 7 Parenting Questions to Ask Yourself (About Parenting Leaders)
My eyes were opened to more than just the listening tips of correct body language and learning to be silent (although still good habits to practice).
I realized what was missing in those small moments where I wanted to be authentically heard but didn’t walk away feeling accepted.
I wanted someone to listen to me for acceptance and understanding. I wanted them to hold a space in the conversation for me to just be me.
I didn’t want them to listen to me as if to solve a problem right away – or that even there was a problem. I didn’t want someone to listen to me as if assessing if I was right or wrong or justified or overly indignant or ungrateful or too proud or too humble.
I just wanted them to listen in a way to help me feel closure and completeness and to hear my underlying insecurities and anxieties that I couldn’t quite put into words.
I wanted a connection that only listening for understanding could create.
From that point on, I’ve made it a mission to practice this type of listening.
I’ve made it a personal daily goal to give everyone (re: my spouse, my kids, my family, my friends) a feeling that I really am present and see them even during a brief connection.
That they felt that I heard what they said even if I didn’t agree with it. That their hearts and fears were seen even momentarily and they could now move on or find the next action step to take.
I know, I know, this is much easier to say than it is to practice, and yes, it’s tiring to do all the time.
So here are a few tips to get better at it, and to practice it a little every day until it becomes as natural as breathing.
Listen with acceptance
This is a hard concept but I think of it like this. Whatever comes out of the person’s mouth “just is.”
It’s their perspective. Neither good nor bad. Neither right nor wrong. It’s their perspective and I accept it for what it is.
When you do this, the other person might actually run out of things to say because they’ve never had someone listen like this.
If this happens, ask a question that might help them self-identify the next step for their situation.
Listen for completeness
If you’re keeping a mindset of listening until the other person has nothing else to say, you will create a posture of patience. You will give them the space to say what they otherwise wouldn’t say.
You know the people in class who raise their hand 2 seconds after the instructor asks a question? Well, for every 1 of those students, there’s a dozen others that will wait for 59 seconds of silence before contributing their thoughts.
Give space for the other person to think and process and become “complete” when it comes to the situation.
Hold a safe space
Sometimes people hold in their passion for a topic because the topic is sensitive or hard to talk about or they’ve been crushed in the past re: insecurities, embarrassing moments, discrimination, fears, anxieties.
In my mind when I’m listening, I imagine a bubble and me and the other person that is a safe space for conversation. A safe space to let the passion and emotion out even if it might otherwise be uncomfortable for me.
This picture helps me project calmness and to notice in myself any rising emotions. When I notice these emotions, I can let them go because I remember I’m simply creating a safe space for the other person. It’s not about me in this moment.
One thing that’s really helped cultivate better conversation and listening has been setting up the beginning.
I began to “set-up” conversations in a way that others could really hear me as well as feel free to speak.
Have you ever been in a situation where a friend is going through a hard time?
For example, let’s pretend you KNOW someone going through a stressful situation. Maybe it’s a medical issue for their daughter or perhaps a difficult time with their spouse.
Yet, you also know from personal experience that sometimes a “normal” conversation is all they really need to be lifted up that day. They definitely don’t need to go over all the details again or hash about how depressing the situation currently feels for them.
They are tired of giving the same spiel to everyone around them.
Related Post: 8 Signs You’re Probably Busy for the Wrong Reason
In those circumstances, from the beginning, I straight up tell them, “Just so you know, I’m not going to bring up ‘that-topic-that-you-don’t-really-want-to-talk-about-again-but-kind-of-want-to-talk-about-because-no-one-has-actually-listened-to-you.’ But if you feel like talking about it, bring it up in your own time.”
I let them off the hook in the beginning.
This allows my friend to be all in. They won’t be half-in the conversation preparing their speech for when I finally broach the subject.
I tell them I won’t bring it up (even though on the inside I’m dying to know how they are doing and want to know how they are processing and want to offer my (unsolicited) advice and opinions).
But you know, the problem isn’t really about me, is it?
Related Post: The Most Effective To-do List for Stay at Home Moms
By saying this upfront, I give them power over 2 things:
1. I give them the freedom to not be defensive, always waiting for me to bring up the topic.
They can just enjoy the conversation as they see fit. I give them the power to control the conversation.
2. I give them the choice and freedom to bring up the topic themselves on their own terms without fear that I will spring it on them.
And do you know what I’ve found? They often bring up said topic anyway and in a way that is actually helpful to them, and I barely have to do anything other than to make eye contact, hold a neutral, open posture, and ask a few questions in areas that they’ve shown concern or fear.
As I said in the beginning, listening is such a powerful problem-solving tool. Yet, most of us don’t even come close to using it as effectively as we could.
Here’s to improving out listening skills to better our families, the next generation, and to build authentic relationships.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash